Ninjas Vs. Pirate

It's kind of an important question, you know... Who will win the epic battle, that timeless competition between ninjas and pirates? I'd like to think that the ninjas will eventually win out, because really I'm pretty goddamned sick of pirates and would be easily enticed to go ninja if we could somehow genetically engineer ninjas with the pirates "peg-leg".

Wow- what a bizarre analogy. Obviously I'm talking about men and how much they frustrate me. Really only one of them. Those damned pirates. Why did I marry a pirate, rather than remain a single, happy, carefree ninja? Because I wanted to be a stay and home ninja to my little ninjas. Because I was in a big hurry post breakup with the Subtle Ninja's father and wanted not to be alone. At our age, you want to rush and get it done fast. You want that ring on your finger, that completed feeling, the security of having someone there and two incomes too (I was a gainfully employed ninja for a long time). It just seems right to rush off and have a courthouse wedding.

The pirate and I never really got to know each other. I don't know that we're much better now, 5 years later. I didn't bother to find out how goddamned controlling the pirate would end up being, or realize that pirate OCD would mean my life would become one long cleaning spree after the next, never good enough for the pirate's standards.

The pirate didn't realize what a bitch I can be, how quick to anger and morose. He didn't realize that I'm not like his family in that if we get in a fight, I won't just make a false apology then forget it ever happened. I hold a grudge. I stay angry. When we fight, I go off. I say things that would make even the most cutthroat of pirates blanch. I can curse the parrot right off any pirates shoulder if in a suitable rage.

I have a hard time ending fights. When the pirate tells me he's sorry, I don't know what to say because I'm still furious and not ready to make nice and cuddle. Give me a hug and it'll be met with a resounding "fuck you" not literally of course. Body language. It's all about subtlety. Just ask the Subtle Ninja, he'll tell you. Well he won't, he's not a big talker, but I'm straying from my point again.

I don't trust the pirate's apologies anymore. When I apologize, I mean it. I don't take apologies lightly, if I'm not genuinely sorry, you'll never hear me say it. When he says it, usually it's just to shut me up and stop the fight or even if genuine, is riddled with excuses.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you think I wasn't happy with how you mopped the floor."

Or

"I didn't say anything" "I didn't do anything"

When he most certainly did. I can admit when I'm being nasty, or when I said something I should not have, or even when I'm wrong. I don't enjoy it, but I try not to make excuses. Nothing frustrates me more than the pirate doing something, apologizing for it, but making excuses that deny he did anything wrong. I guess my theory is that if i don't do it, why should he?

It all boils down to not knowing each other. We have no common interests. He never goes outside, I was raised playing outdoors. I enjoy the wind and the grass and the trees. He enjoys the couch, the television, the mall. If we could just give in and spend time doing what the other likes, it would probably be fine but he won't. I watch TV with him for hours and I go to the mall or the shops he enjoys but the closest he'll go to outside is the back yard for a few minutes then say he's cold or he's tired or he's bored or he needs to clean. This ninja feels like she's been sitting on her ass on the couch for nothing except a lot of gained weight and a very unsatisfying feeling of being fucked over by the pirate.

And not in the good way.