Ninjas hate being ordered around

This ninja is sick and tired of being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it. Why can't I go out alone sometimes? I don't always want the pirate with me, I want to be alone occasionally. Maybe I want to take the Little Ninjas someplace and leave grumpy pirate to play videogames. If I could go out sometimes maybe I would have some friends other than the internet variety. I'm lonely and bored and resentful. I get my "outside time" once a week, sometimes twice but it always has to be for however long the pirate says and when the pirate says. He tells me "Ok, on Saturday you can go do your gardening or outside things from 2pm-4pm and I'll watch the little ninjas" without even asking me if I want to do that at that time. If I don't I just don't get time. If I do, I have to worry about him being mean and yelling at the little ninjas for insignificant things or even if he does get along with them I will hear about how stressful and hard it was for him later. It's not really "me" time this way. It's scheduled time and that ruins it for me. What if I just want to go out back and sit in the grass? Have to take the little ninjas and even then I'll hear about it when I get inside because we're missing out on "together time".

For god's sake, fuck together time. I need less together time. I need time spent doing something I like and not watching little ninjas or cleaning the stupid house or sitting at home while he is at work all day long. We only have one car and it's got a lot of miles on it at this point and gas is too expensive to be driving around randomly anyway but my goodness do I wish we had a second car. I am going stir crazy in this house doing the same thing day after day and it's never good enough anyway.

I've tried to get more "me" time by begging him to take time for himself. Go to a movie, I say, go play video games, go find a friend or something. Go away. Please. Because whenever I want time, the argument is "I don't get any time, and I work for a living!" but he refuses to take any personal time. I can't win! I would give anything to be in a relationship where I can say "I'm going out to dinner with a friend, I'll be back in a bit" and have it be ok. He'd blow a gasket if I tried that. I'm only allowed to do friend related stuff (I only have one friend and she's a lot younger than I am) when he is at work and friends are to be gone from the house before he gets home or he gets sulky and grumpy at me. I just want a life, I want to be free from this house and only getting out to take him to Blockbuster or Walmart or Target.

I stopped doing anything a few weeks ago. Why bother cleaning when he's just going to come home and start swabbing the decks? It's offensive to me to spend the whole day cleaning (I hate cleaning but I'm good at it and I do it right) to just have the pirate come home and not even say hello- just start cleaning things. Things that don't even need cleaned. I don't see a point to doing it if he's just going to re-do it.

It is so frustrating. I can't have one dish in the sink even for a moment. I can't spill something and not wipe it up within seconds. Example: A few days ago I was cutting carrots and sliced my finger. blood on the counter. I went to wash my finger and put on a bandaid, and I got lectured for leaving a mess on the counter (the carrots and blood). It's not as if I made a mess and left, I was going to clean it up.

The little ninjas can't have toys out. Subtle ninja isn't allowed Legos even though he adores them, because he pours them out and that's a mess and never ok. The Hungry Ninja can never leave a single stuffed animal or toy train out, even while those things are being played with. Rooms have to be immaculate. If a little ninja spills, it's this huge angry fuss instead of just cleaning it up and getting on with the day. Why would you bellow at a child under 5 for spilling? It was accidental. Not fair. Then I'm being to lenient and spoiling the kids if I defend them. I'll always defend them anyway, especially the Subtle Ninja.

I'm sorry to whine so soon in my blogging career here, but sometimes you just feel shitty and need to get it out. No one in my daily life cares to listen, so this is the best I can do.